Pulled Trigger
by Alley Parker
Summary: Prequal to Walk Away. Writen as a songfic to Five For Fighting's song "Dying." Rating for suicide.


_I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again  
I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived  
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest  
I'm Dying to live without you again_

I don't know how things got this way. Not really. Everything had been perfect at first. Then everything started going down hill. So slowly at first that I barely noticed it. I wonder what she was thinking. Nothing ever mattered more to me then she did.

When we started out things were so great. She was the most beautiful and popular girl in school. I felt on top of the world. A few months later she asked me for a favor that was actually a big opportunity for me. So I agreed. As we became business partners as well as boyfriend/girlfriend something somewhere went wrong.

We were fighting more now. A lot more actually. She put me down. Accented on my disabilities. I remember the words "Useless" and "Worthless" to be very popular in her vocabulary when she described me. I could live with that. I spent all the money I could on her Jewelry, shopping sprees, a new car, flowers, candy, and whatever else. Spent a lot of money on us fancy dates, vacations, and other miscellaneous things. She always seemed to take happily but never cared to give back.

I never suspected that she was cheating on me. There was no obvious sign of that. And now that it's over and she's single I guess I was right she was just taking me for granted.

_I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me  
I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see  
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent  
I'm Dying to live without you again_

The further our relationship progressed the more we fought and the shakier things got. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and said "no" to her. She exploded and declared that it was over and that she hated me and if I thought she ever loved me I must be a fool. Then she slapped me and walked out slamming the door.

I was so shocked and so hurt to realize that she had just used me and then dumped me that I went kind of crazy with it. The next month was always a constant blur to me. I ended up making a huge mistake and crashing my career. During that month I had kind of hut down. I was almost like on autopilot. But now things are different. I couldn't remain emotionless forever. That's impossible and now the reality is all mine.

_The first time you left I said goodbye  
Now there's not a prayer that can survive _

Now in the dark room I'm sitting on the floor with my back propped against the bed eyeing the drawer in which I keep my nine millimeter. So this was it really. My career was ruined because of my own stupidity, everyone makes fun of me even my so-called friends, and worst of all she is gone. I wonder if I ever meant anything to her. I mean we've been through a lot together really. Three years I believe. I loved her and always new I did. Did she ever care? Maybe that's a question that will never be answered though I'm pretty sure she never did care.

What also scares me is that I know that even if I went back in time I would do all this again. Just to be near her. I gave her everything I had and she took it and threw it away. She broke my heat and left without a goodbye and "I'm sorry." But shouldn't have expected that from her.

_  
Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again  
Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said  
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this  
As long as there's a breath...  
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again_

I've told my self so many times that it's useless to waist time on this. I've told myself that I need to move on. I know it's useless to live in the past. But she is always here without really being here. Memories crowd every room in the house and almost every place in town. I know I need to get away from here because my head is spinning with all of this.

Lately I haven't been understanding myself. Random thoughts of suicide have been in my head. But then again why not? Really I have nothing left to live for. NO one knows what goes on in my life. I hide behind fake smiles and light remarks.

I know ending it would make too many people too happy. I wonder what she would think. What she would say. But it's useless to wonder about those things. And even though I'm sitting here now thinking about how stupid this all is I know I have made up mind and there is no turning back.

_It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this  
As long as there's a breath..._

She's the one who made this hell and she knows she's the only one who can fix it and she knows it too. But she doesn't care so why the damn should I?

I open the drawer and in the moon light the black metal gun glistens invitingly at me. I take it in my right hand and close my fingers around it.

What a picture it must have been. A seventeen year old boy standing in the moonlight amidst scattered pictures of his lost love pointing a pistol at his temple. I laugh coldly at myself the way I am sure she will laugh when she finds out and then pulled the trigger.

_  
I'm Dying and I can't live without you  
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again_


End file.
